I normally would consider such negativity counterproductive*, but in the spirit of exorcising some demons and therefore finding my dream apartment the minute I come back from New Orleans, I've decided to make an exhaustive list of all the things I hate about this one (*and in fact there are things I like very much about it, but that's not important right now):
1. the barking dog
2. helicopters over the highway at 3 a.m.
3. the metal retrofit bars on my floor that make it impossible to put anything that's not on feet against a wall
4. the not level floors
5. the lead paint
6. the rusty water that comes out of the pipes on maintenance day
7. the mushrooms growing out of the bathroom floor
8. the building management
9. the building maintenance
10. the water that leaks onto the floor when I take a shower
11. the bathtub which is so rounded it's difficult to stand in it without losing your balance
12. the windows which either don't stay open or are impossible to open
13. the spanish radio my neighbors listen to
14. the loud young child my neighbors have
15. the two teenagers who live upstairs and play video games loudly
16. the vacuum cleaner upstairs
17. practically everything that happens upstairs, because I can hear a pin drop up there
18. the neighbors' barbecue, which makes my apartment smell like lighter fluid
19. the light switch in the bathroom, which operates both the light and the fan, and so I can't turn one on without the other
20. the spiders and fruit flies (which apparently subsist on compact fluorescent photosynthesis or something, because I don't patronize rotting fruit - but hey, I have to admit I prefer them over the roaches I used to have)
21. that the walk-in closet is not a second bedroom
22. that the bedroom is too small
23. that the parking lot is not a roller rink or a shuffleboard court
24. the semi-broken outlet in the kitchen that turns the refrigerator off when I unplug my toaster
25. the Jehovah's witnesses that come knocking on my door at 9 a.m. on a sunday
26. the cat pee smell in the hallway (from a feral cat living in the maintenance crawlspace under the building; although I'm sure I will be blamed for it)
27. the sucky laundry room, which is so sucky I haven't used it in about four years
28. the cracks between the hardwood floor beams, which are so large small children could fall in them and drown
29. that the awesome fire escapes (from which you can see the Hollywood sign) are now off-limits
30. that the roof, where I used to paint with Nick (and where I once took a date much too young for me), is also now off-limits
31. the popcorn paint which the painters were somehow (unfathomably) unaware has no place on the crown molding
32. that the hot water out of the sinks is generally lukewarm, and
33. that it trickles
34. that some of my favorite people have moved out of the building, and my other favorites are moving out
35. the brick dust
36. the rattling metal bolt in my bedroom window frame that serves no purpose
37. the fact that I have to pay rent
37. the view out my bedroom window:
and 39. did I mention the barking dog? (and that I can't count?)
Well, that's enough.