escape from the "how's everything tasting" industrial complex

Ok, hey. For reasons, I'm seriously purging my stuff; I was browsing one of my regular thrift stores earlier, and items here & there kept catching my eye until I reality checked: "yeah, those things are cool because you picked them out. You just dropped them off here an hour ago, idiot."

It's not a perfect process.

Necessary though. I'm having a backwards midlife crisis. I've spent all of life so far making impractical decisions, and now I'm you know, fixing my credit (again). Where do you go to tune up your life? I've got no husband to leave. I still listen to punk rock. I left home young and have lived in some cool cities. The wild stuff is done & gone. Now how do I genuinely engage with adulthood without selling myself out? Who can sell me a brain cleanse? (If u say "ayahuasca" you're blocked. WTF do you think I am, a Noah Baumbach film?)

It's time for a rebirth (not in the "find god" kind of way. I've already found Satan, thanks). Can you sign up for some Freaky Friday type situation? put me in some nineteen-year-old's life for awhile - just long enough to go "oops, that was essential," to understand what parts of my life I need to keep, and what I should toss. The Extreme Immersive Marie Kondo Experience. I promise to be a rock star this time. I promise to lay off the acid & learn to skateboard. Just turn back time for me. I deserve it. I've been dealing with some SHIT. I'll come out of it cleansed. I better get everything I ask for, going forward. Cuz I'm still pretty jazzed with my inner world (no small feat) but right now my outside circumstances are a mix of fucking amazing and Entire Ring of Hell. I keep stepping into that hellevator in Angel, and exiting right where I went in.

But the nice things are quite nice, so I'm going to hell in a limo.

if I'd bought this car in 2015, I'd be there already

My show has theme days which is kinda cool - you know, for kids. 

I could live without Tracksuit Tuesday, but since Pineapple Fridays turned into Muppet Pineapple Fridays, cool, I'll play ... until recently when I saw on the call sheet "tomorrow is Disney show swag day!" Look, buddy, that's too much like a pep rally. I already work on a Disney show. What more do you want from me? That's like going to a restaurant and one bite into your food, being asked (by an actor) "how's everything tasting?" Oh man, it's excellent! thank you for choosing me to be a living ad for your restaurant for a second - I feel like I won the lottery!

(insert Garfield picture. Anyone one will do. Any Garf–)

Seriously, this "How's everything tasting?" thing happened overnight. I eat out a lot because (spoiler) I live in L.A. (great restaurants + nobody has any time.) One day everyone was asking the usual helpful, humble stuff like "how is everything? / can I get you anything else?" and the next day every waiter in L.A. was asking (mid-bite, always) "HOW'S EVERYTHING TASTING??" Let's skip "why?" for now and ask HOW? Did they all get a software update? I thought they were people, but who knows. WHO TOLD YOU THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA

I get what this is all about. Some restaurant owners went to a gross capitalist sales conference or something, and got a corporate pep talk, which was something like "KEEP YOUR CUSTOMERS ENGAGED IN THINKING POSITIVELY ABOUT THEIR EXPERIENCE AT THE RESTAURANT" - I mean, hold on, guys. Did you think ahead, did you realize two months later Umami Burger would be asking diners "So, everything's so delicious right!!!!!?" Wait, what??? What if I kicked my fork across the room and need a new fork? THIS ISN'T WORKING FOR ME

MAKE IT STOPPPPPPPPPPPPP

 

mom with a fork in 2017

Stop the capitalist carousel, I want to get offfffffffff

This is in no way what I mean when I say it's time for me to (barf) "engage with adulthood" .. I mean, JFC, I just bought Make Love! the Bruce Campbell Way. No way am I going to do the Wisdom Course (or ayahuasca). No way am I joining Scientology, or CrossFit.

I just want to be me, but BETTER.

More streamlined.

A more minimalist maximalist.

A more productive (ew), happier, calmer me.